rachel and emma's guide to life: part one, relationships.

I would like to introduce Rachel and Emma's guide to life.

This may or may not be a series, but we're starting with relationships. First, Rachel's version of what we think is the best way of getting a boy that you fancy.

1) Talk to him, make it obvious you're keen. Then act like you're not. This is like playing hard to get but much more interesting, because acting like you're keen is fun, and then you get to fuck 'em up a bit by pretending you don't care.

2) Get with people who you judge to be less attractive than you. This works two ways because it gives you confidence to either fuck them about or be honest with them, and also you know they will never, ever cheat.

3) If all else fails, get them hideously drunk and pounce, everybody knows it only counts as taking advantage if it's male on female...

4) You know when you're in love because you will risk danger and disease to be close to them. For example, Rachel said she'd still let Nick Grimshaw play footsie with her, despite the fact that he has a verruca. Love, is what we call this.

And here are traits we find attractive in boys. Take note, I think these apply to most girls.

1) Clothes. I know people who have gotten laid because they wore the right band t-shirt at the right time, no joke. Rachel admits to "fancying clothes more than people" which may be a bit extreme but you get what we mean. Clothes maketh the man. Shoes are important too, shoes may even be more important than clothes, because if they're wearing a good outfit and shit shoes you know it's a no-go.

2) Body. Do not be disheartened by this, though! Rachel tends to like 'em skinny, but sometimes deviates from this and goes for some muscle. Everyone seems to have different preferences. Just go for girls who are smaller than you, preferably even in heels, unless you have the confidence to walk around with her and not go all short-man-syndrome on us, that's pretty much the least attractive thing ever.

3) Wit. Obviously thick people are boring, and wit is pretty much the best way of showing that you're clever without seeming stuck up. Also whatever you're told about laughing girls in to bed is ALL TRUE. I've seen it happen.

4) Arrogance. Because then we think that you think that you're too good for us and we set out to prove that you're not and we could have you any time we like.

5) Hair/face. If you're really tall this won't matter that much. No, I'm kidding. If you're not attractive, get nice hair and you'll still be passable, it's fine. And also, that thing about girls hating when boys spend longer on their hair than their girlfriends do? Lies. It's really quite endearing. Hideously straightened over-styled hair is not attractive though, if I wanted a girlfriend, I'd go and get one.

Obviously there's all that having-things-in-common stuff, and communication and whatever else. But really, if you're attracted to each other enough (or drunk enough) you'll get past all that.

HOW TO: make a shredded t-shirt!

YOU WILL NEED:

- A t-shirt, one belonging to your your dad/brother/boyfriend works best so it doesn't matter if you mess it up, because it's not yours. (I used the latter.) Make sure it's knitted, not woven though, but this isn't really important because most t-shirts are knitted.

- A stitch unpick/drawing pin (My stitch unpick broke, I had to improvise.)

- Lots and lots and lots of time.

- Fully functioning hands.

- A LOT of patience.


Once you've collected the above, you can start!

1.) Firstly, cut the hem off of your t-shirt, all the way around. This means that you can get at the individual threads.



2.) Next, stretch the rough edge so it becomes easier for you to see individual threads.

(ignore my scabby hands)

3.) Using the stitch unpick, pick out the first horizontal thread closest to the undone edge, to the width which you want your shred to be, and be careful not to snap it (although it doesn't really matter whether you do or not, you can just try again)



4) Repeat this all the way along, although after somewhere in the region of 10-20 threads, you should just be able to work them out with your fingers. It doesn't matter if you snap the odd thread or make the occasional hole, if anything it makes it look better.



5) Ten years and ten swollen fingers later, your finished product should look something like this:

..but probably better

the easy things in life: sex and cheese.

I'm Rachel and I have a firm belief that leggings ARE trousers. My main ambition in life is to single-handedly bring back popworld and I'm really good at interpretive dance and inane rambles. I have an unfortunate talent for spending money quicker than I earn it (which I don't, even Matalan rejected my job application). I really like cheese and Helena Christensen, and I like Helena Christensen because she likes cheese. On her Wikipedia page it says this:
"Whenever my head is like a maze, I turn to the easy things in life, the things that mean the most to me: Sex and cheese. These things are connected. Truth be told, I love all cheese: French cheese, Italian cheese, even British cheese, but Danish cheese is the greatest. I get my best nightmares after I eat Danish cheese. Actually I've seriously thought about getting a cheese tattoo. A nice Edam on my shoulder, maybe."

Agreed.